Thoughts #1

Now that I am older, I have somewhat more demonic dreams. Storm dreams were much more a product of my youth. They still occur, but not as much. The worst of my dreams are the ones where I lose my daughter. I’ve had multiple terrors of her dying.

Judging by the meaning of my tornado dreams, it led me to believe it was the subconscious product of a chaotic home life. I never wanted a family of my own, never thought of being married. All I knew is that I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible. But I guess that just wasn’t in the cards. I got pregnant when I was 17 so I leaned onto the only support I could. My family. In my eyes I didn’t have a choice. Even though my family has its issues I couldn’t just run now. I needed them.

Back then I hated to need. It took me many years to understand that needing, is not a sign of weakness. 

I don’t think I had ever experienced true love. Maybe for a sibling. But when you have a child it’s Another type of love. An unconditional love. I never even met her, but I’d give my life for hers in a heart beat. Nothing in this world could ever change my mind. That being said, parenting in some way gave me this weird anxiety/guilt. Feeling as though nothing I ever do will be good enough. You’d never want to hurt your child the way you’ve been hurt would you? All you can do is try your best right?… but my best, cannot stop these thoughts. In my opinion, ultimately my nightmares are messages. Maybe I am still in need of something. 

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