Love is Ruthless.

“I hope you value the darkness just as much as the light. Just as much as joy is apart of the cycle understand that so is pain. 

Cry if you must but the cycle is never ending. If I don’t tell you to get up and figure it out who will? Forgive me if I am ruthless, or don’t. I don’t expect you like me or agree with me. 

If you need to scream then scream. If you need to fight then fight. I love you in all forms, I’ll never hate you for what you feel or the things you do in order live. I won’t always be there in the darkness with you. But I promise you this, when I am not… You will know your next move”.

– 4 Jade. 

What I am about to write isn’t for pity or me playing the victim, just little grasp on what I was going through and how I felt at the time. When I first had my daughter, people criticized my parenting. I imagine I’m not the only one. My mother even urged me to give her custody of my daughter. I was disgusted. How could she ever think I’d give her up like some dog, she really thought I wasn’t equipped to raise my daughter. My words to her “God gave her to me, not you.” I left the house and never came back.

Being pregnant with my daughter and raising her in her early years was hands down the hardest part of my life. I had no one. Just me and her. Maybe I chose it that way because I felt like all that “help” was fake. I didn’t want their pity. It wasn’t out of love at all. I was criticized and I always hated that doubt. 

“But I will never doubt you. In fact I trust you.” 

Parenting a child is hard especially when you yourself have so much more growing to do. If there’s anyone you need to tell to fuck off, it’s those voices in your head. 

“I don’t regret my decisions and the pain I went through in order to make a home for you. I value it.”

“Fear is normal, darkness is scary. But you will figure it out.” 

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